I had a Miscarriage.

For nearly 12 months I was afraid to even write this post. Now I know more people suffer from this than just me and just like I felt alone I am sure they do too. We are not.

1 year ago today I went into surgery. I came out 4 fibroids lighter. One fibroid was the size of a grapefruit and shifting my entire pelvis. I'd heard that size from several doctors...trust me I got 4 "second opinions." So there it was obstructing my uterus and preparing to change our lives forever. I couldn't "NOT" see what was causing all of my problems so during my surgery I had my specialist take pictures of the removed fibroids. I still have the picture. 

Prior to November 17, 2016, surgery day, fibroids rocked our world and took us down a path that we’d never been, never expected, but I always feared. You see, in the back of my mind I always feared I would be the one to go to school, work towards success, and later be unable to conceive.  I was wrong. April 2016 we found out we were pregnant. Yet, for months we were in limbo not knowing if our baby would survive. We had never been so excited and scared at the same time. We didn't telI many people; approximately 2 people knew when we got pregnant because the pain of having to say "I had a miscarriage" was unbearable. I finally convinced myself to purchase one item...a small baby journal to document our babies growth  and our experience all the while knowing there was the possibility he or she would never read it. Fibroids took our first baby. 

I’d gone from depression, obesity, pre-diabetes, and infertility to being in the best shape of my adult life. I gained my fertility back and unexpectedly got pregnant. Exciting, right? Wrong. I was in pain most of the time I was pregnant, at the emergency room every other night, and had weekly doctors appointments. I was in even more pain after I lost him or her.

 After losing the baby I was ashamed. Why? Because I’d fallen prey to society’s “when are y’all having a baby, It’s time, and what are y'all waiting on?” It had never bothered me before not until this moment. Someone even asked me the month I had the miscarriage...the same month I couldn't bare to see a pregnant woman because it made me think of how far along I'd be. Those comments and all the other comments people made about my uterus stung. 

Today I am able to talk about my experience and talk about my miscarriage because it made me stronger. It gave me back 10 pounds lol but it made me a stronger woman and a stronger wife; it made Emanuel wiser and prepared him for a new chapter in our life. Going through something so traumatic brought Emanuel and I closer together. This man was by my side every step of the way wanting nothing more than for my pain, both emotional and physical, to be his pain instead. We did a lot of crying, praying, talking and listening. We had conversations we’d never had before...those conversations we'd never HAD to have before because we hadn't experienced them. Even now I am afraid to try again...but with him by my side I know I can do anything. So we will and it will happen but when we are ready. 

**I know there are several women out there who feel ashamed or embarrassed or like they will be judged. I had all of the same feelings. I am here to tell you we have nothing to be ashamed of approximately 31 percent of confirmed pregnancies at implementation fail which means 1 in every 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage.This is happening to us and we are being silent...let's no longer be silent. Let's be brave, Let's be vocal, Let's be supportive.

XOXO
Lashonda