Pretty in Pearls

Happy New Year's Eve!!!!  2017 is coming to an end and Snap Chat reminded me of just how much I have done this year and I felt fulfilled. Soon after I had that feeling my sister called me with some heartbreaking news about someone I love dearly and we are not sure they will enter into the New Year with us. It's like no matter how much you smile life reminds you we are all on borrowed time.  Borrowed time is my reason for living my best life. Emanuel and I have a hard time with choosing to be there for someone else verses choosing to be there for ourselves (he is a little worse at this than me). This year we decided not to feel bad about choosing ourselves and it was honestly the best thing we could have ever done. It is so easy to get caught up in doing for others, being there for others, LIVING for others, and forget about living for yourself. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being supportive of others but that shouldn't be your single purpose in life.

For nearly 12 months I was afraid to even write this post. Now I know more people suffer from this than just me and just like I felt alone I am sure they do too. We are not. 1 year ago today I went into surgery. I came out 4 fibroids lighter. One fibroid was the size of a grapefruit and shifting my entire pelvis. I'd heard that size from several doctors...trust me I got 4 "second opinions." So  there  it was obstructing my uterus and preparing to change our lives forever. I couldn't "NOT" see what was causing all of my problems so during my surgery I had my specialist take pictures of the removed fibroids. I still have the picture.  Prior to November 17, 2016, surgery day, fibroids rocked our world and took us down a path that we’d never been, never  expected, but I always feared . You see, in the back of my mind I always feared I would be the one to go to school, work towards success, and later be unable to conceive.  I was wrong. April 2016

I haven't written in a while, trust me, I can tell. Blogging is not only an opportunity for me to help the next person but it is also a way for me to clear my mind and address the things I experience or see on a daily basis. Blogging gives me a chance to speak. So, now I have at least 3 other topics to write about in the near future. Anywho, I know you are wondering why I titled this blog Loser. It has a negative feeling to it, right? I have a simple answer for you...1. It was catchy and 2. how many times have you felt like a loser? My husband constantly points out to me that I am inpatient, competitive, and so use to winning and boy is he right. Over the years I have had the luxury of getting what I want when I want it. What I mean is I was a blessed "first timer." I interview for jobs and get them on the first interview, I take professional exams and pass them on the first try (who needs to study? lol), even as a child I spoke what I wanted to my daddy and got my dr

I feel like I've written about this before but it's also a topic I can never speak enough about...LOVING YOURSELF.  I am a firm believer in loving yourself since I too struggled and didn't always love myself as a young girl. I now know just how important it is.  I've learned over the years that if you don't love yourself you'll fall for anything.  What I mean by FALLING FOR ANYTHING is you allow people to walk and trample over you, humiliate you, and slight you of your happiness . They have no sense of respect for you and the sad thing is they constantly prey on that vulnerability because they KNOW you'll always come back.  It's similar to that abused animal that still longs for the attention of the abusive owner...or the battered child that still wants to be loved by their scolding and unloving parent. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to watch especially when it's someone you love and care about. You feel helpless.

If people ask I don't mind telling. Being able to speak about the death of my mother is truly hard but today is her day and she always liked attention. Lol  At 22 years old I NEVER imagined I'd wake up one day and my mother would be gone. I took having her for granted and it's something I'll never forgive myself for. We had a great relationship but I just wish I had more time. As a busy college student I would've called more, I would've went home more, I would've said I love you more, I would've said don't ever leave me.  I last seen and talked to my mom on Thanksgiving Day 2008, 7 days before she passed away. (I beat myself up for a while about those 7 days. I always called once a week but this week was finals). It's a day I'll never forget and parts of it I remember like it was yesterday. I wanted 1 picture with my mom and all my sisters (Yes, friends I loved taking pictures then too).  Thanksgiving was at my sister Erica's

I'm not where I need to be but I'm on my way. I'm at a point in my life where something is shifting... something is changing and I can't quite put my finger on it. I once heard a preacher say , "When things start shifting, it just means something good is going on." Have you ever had moments and feelings like that? If you haven't let me try to put into words what I mean. I'm having some very important growth moments and I am learning things about myself and I am learning things about the people around me. When I say these moments are happening they are happening back to back. The more I learn about myself and the more I learn about the people around me the more things start to shift in my life. I'm learning to accept people for who they are and move forward but most importantly I am learning to accept myself for who I am. The people who are not OK with who I am and what I am trying to become have a problem all of their own. People who truly kno

I woke up this morning with a message on my heart, 2 actually, but this one needed to be first because the message is for someone somewhere and I'm compelled to share. Right now you're asking, "Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it sting when I don't wanna care and I don't wanna feel? Life is heavy right now...so heavy and I don't want to face one more issue, one more dagger of disappointment, one more let down, or shed one more tear. I just want the hurt to stop. My God, this is hard. Why me?" Words we say when life feels like it's throwing every single jab it has straight in our face. Life has a way of doing this sometimes...ya know, kicking you when you're down. Life's not fair or sympathetic. But still...why does it hurt so bad when the one that was supposed to be your forever, the one that said they loved you, the one that promised to care for you in sickness and health doesn't live up to any of that? When you needed them most the

On a daily basis I come in contact with women and sometimes men who are in relationships that are going nowhere. It's easy to say what we will and will not do when we are on the outside looking in...but what happens when you are the one in that dead end relationship? I know if "I"am asking when is enough enough the person living it HAS to be asking themselves the same question. I've been the soundboard for many and often times the voice of reason. What I typically point out are all the red flags that we often overlook...most of the times those red flags have been purposefully overlooked. Why? Because we want things to work out no matter how bad it hurts. So the question remains...when is enough enough? I'll tell you when enough is enough. When you wake up everyday feeling unloved, unwanted, and unhappy. When you never hear I love you, how can I help you, or why are you sad? When you've been physically, mentally, and emotionally beaten and battered. If yo

Yesterday I had the best moment. The greatest memory. An absolute happy place. In that moment everything was right with the world. I've titled this a little piece of my heart because I'm self disclosing something about my relationship with my husband. Everyone knows I love my husband, I take lots of pictures, and I share parts of our life, but I don't share our purest moments. Those things are sacred to me. But when we had this moment I felt immediately in my heart it's something God wanted me to share. I even told Emanuel this afterward. So here I am...led to share a piece of my heart with you...a very sacred and pure moment I shared with my husband yesterday. So Friday night we slept on the couch..watching a movie and never made it to the bed. Emanuel tends to wake before me so in an effort to not wake me he went into the bedroom to watch TV. Once I awoke I joined him and we just started to chat (We should've been preparing for the party we were having later a