I’m Not Ready...
I just drove 3 hours from Waco to San Antonio and once I got home my heart was so full and my eyelids so heavy. I needed to write. So here I am at 10:30PM writing a piece of my heart and soul to share with you.
I'm going to start by saying I'm not ready. I'm not ready to share all the details. I'm not ready to share all the feelings. I'm not sure I'm ready to even write what I'm about to write...yet here I am Ipad in hand.
Let's begin by talking about emotions...all the feels and how drastically they can change from day to day because guess what...it's life. Last week I received some news that reminded me just how crazy life can be. The flood of emotions and thoughts one can have once they receive any kind of news, good or bad, is astounding. On Monday I was in shock and speechless and if you know me then you know a speechless Lashonda is hard to achieve. On Tuesday I was confused. On Wednesday I was numb. On Thursday I was emotional. Friday I was in disbelief and I’m sure one of those days had some anger involved. Every single day on this roller coaster of emotions I was telling myself and my husband "I'm fine. I'm okay." Honestly, I wasn't and didn't even know it. All the days I just described I didn’t realize that’s what was happeneing until just now while thinking back and writing this post. I wasn't a wreck, I wasn't coming unglued, but whatever it was...I just wasn't ready. You see when you sit in your thoughts, mind racing and having just received life altering news one can easily slip into a state of “just push through”. This weekend I realized I've been going through the motions, faking the funk, appearing okay but not really dealing with what I needed to. I was speaking it but it wasn’t true.
Before I got on the road today I had a conversation with my husband (I know I probably say this in every post but I know I can never tell him enough how amazing he is. This man y’all..he makes going through life’s experience more meaningful. I wouldn’t want to do life with anyone else). Our talk was a talk in which he uplifted me, encouraged me, praised me, assured me, and loved me. As I travelled down the road I realized talking to him tonight was the first time this week I’d cried about this situation. The first time I’d allowed myself to feel something...anything that seemed like it would cause pain I hadn’t allowed in. I knew I’d been in an altered state because I realized I hadn’t even PRAYED! I hadn’t asked God for guidance, understanding, or even why? I realized I was distracted. The plethora of emotions had somehow distracted and prevented me from wanting to feel. In case you were thinking the two are the same...they’re not. In an attempt to quickly explain feelings are the responses to your emotions. Feelings should be the next step after an emotion. I didn’t take the next step.
Even though I’m not ready life has a way of nudging you right into where you think you’re not prepared to go. Little do we know we are way more prepared than we give ourselves credit for. My goal is to now be present and not be distracted by or afraid of the pain. Trust God’s plan because when it’s by his word and his plan for my life it can’t fail.
This weekend I spent time with great friends who uplift me and bring joy and happiness to my life. They help me see the positives in any situation and I appreciate them for that. It’s always important to remember the blessings in your life and today, I do.
Just know, if none of this makes sense to you now one day it will. Maybe not today. Maybe not this year. But one day.
Xoxo
Lashonda
P.S. I clearly wasn’t ready because here I am a week later just now posting this. Last Sunday I sat down and wrote just to get my feelings out...today I decided to share those feelings.
I'm going to start by saying I'm not ready. I'm not ready to share all the details. I'm not ready to share all the feelings. I'm not sure I'm ready to even write what I'm about to write...yet here I am Ipad in hand.
Let's begin by talking about emotions...all the feels and how drastically they can change from day to day because guess what...it's life. Last week I received some news that reminded me just how crazy life can be. The flood of emotions and thoughts one can have once they receive any kind of news, good or bad, is astounding. On Monday I was in shock and speechless and if you know me then you know a speechless Lashonda is hard to achieve. On Tuesday I was confused. On Wednesday I was numb. On Thursday I was emotional. Friday I was in disbelief and I’m sure one of those days had some anger involved. Every single day on this roller coaster of emotions I was telling myself and my husband "I'm fine. I'm okay." Honestly, I wasn't and didn't even know it. All the days I just described I didn’t realize that’s what was happeneing until just now while thinking back and writing this post. I wasn't a wreck, I wasn't coming unglued, but whatever it was...I just wasn't ready. You see when you sit in your thoughts, mind racing and having just received life altering news one can easily slip into a state of “just push through”. This weekend I realized I've been going through the motions, faking the funk, appearing okay but not really dealing with what I needed to. I was speaking it but it wasn’t true.
Before I got on the road today I had a conversation with my husband (I know I probably say this in every post but I know I can never tell him enough how amazing he is. This man y’all..he makes going through life’s experience more meaningful. I wouldn’t want to do life with anyone else). Our talk was a talk in which he uplifted me, encouraged me, praised me, assured me, and loved me. As I travelled down the road I realized talking to him tonight was the first time this week I’d cried about this situation. The first time I’d allowed myself to feel something...anything that seemed like it would cause pain I hadn’t allowed in. I knew I’d been in an altered state because I realized I hadn’t even PRAYED! I hadn’t asked God for guidance, understanding, or even why? I realized I was distracted. The plethora of emotions had somehow distracted and prevented me from wanting to feel. In case you were thinking the two are the same...they’re not. In an attempt to quickly explain feelings are the responses to your emotions. Feelings should be the next step after an emotion. I didn’t take the next step.
Even though I’m not ready life has a way of nudging you right into where you think you’re not prepared to go. Little do we know we are way more prepared than we give ourselves credit for. My goal is to now be present and not be distracted by or afraid of the pain. Trust God’s plan because when it’s by his word and his plan for my life it can’t fail.
This weekend I spent time with great friends who uplift me and bring joy and happiness to my life. They help me see the positives in any situation and I appreciate them for that. It’s always important to remember the blessings in your life and today, I do.
Just know, if none of this makes sense to you now one day it will. Maybe not today. Maybe not this year. But one day.
Xoxo
Lashonda
P.S. I clearly wasn’t ready because here I am a week later just now posting this. Last Sunday I sat down and wrote just to get my feelings out...today I decided to share those feelings.
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