Blessing and Stressing: My Real Truth

Hey Ya’ll!

This blog goes hand and hand with the live video that Emanuel and I just finished last night. Let’s be honest, I was supposed to post this prior to the video, but if you watched the live then you know I have been all over the place lately with trying to stay in a positive place mentally and emotionally. But first things first…EMANUEL AND I ARE HOMEOWNERS!!!! I couldn’t be more excited to be a homeowner and to be in my own space without the worries of having to move again. We truly thank God for such an accomplishment and such a blessing. 

The road to buying a house, for me, has been no easy feat. I have had several ups and downs along the way with days of extreme happiness but also depression and anxiety. I know you are probably wondering how can so much good be happening to a person and they still experience anxiety and depression. I am going to tell you how. It’s no secret I have struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression in the past. Mostly due to being a perfectionist and not being able to be my 100% authentic self in certain situations or places. But, in true fashion, anxiety started to creep back in since the day we signed the papers to initiate the building of our house.

The day we decided to start the process of building our house it was a very sudden decision, we’d been looking for nice neighborhoods for some time and this one we’d visited several times. We liked the location, we adored the neighborhood, and the distance to our jobs wasn’t too bad either. So we stopped in to chat with the builder’s representative and ended up on that same day writing a $1,000 check (Yes I still have checks…I am my daddy’s child)  to lock in our lot of land and start the building process. From that moment things started to move slowly but also felt quick at the same time. I immediately started to doubt this would even workout for us. I didn’t want to tell a SOUL and for months we didn’t. I didn’t want to answer questions or even share our good news because there was always this fear that the rug could be pulled from under our feet at any time. We didn’t tell our parents until we were at least a month or 2 into the process just out of respect that they not find out months later via some social media network or some person from their church who seen it on social media. We also wanted to at least have SOMEONE we could talk to about the experience. Don’t get me wrong…we have great credit, great reliable jobs, and had the money to do what we needed to secure our house, but with all of that I still experienced this thing we call “IMPOSTER SYNDROME.”

Imposter syndrome is a “psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud despite all of the external evidence of their accomplishments.” I often questioned myself saying “who are you thinking you can buy a house? Where did you even get this idea from? We are 2 little black kids from a small country town in Mississippi with these big dreams of not just owning but BUILDING A HOME! We must be crazy. These people are not going to approve us for this loan they are going to find any reason for us to not close on this house.” With every email and portal notification I received throughout the process there was always this sense of anxiety and fear that something would be wrong. Guys, it was like I was so happy and excited on the inside, but I didn’t want to allow myself to enjoy it because I always feared it may not happen. I still find it hard to believe now that it has all worked out.

I want you to understand that having all of the boxes checked and still fear it’s not possible is, what I think, is an ingrained fear of my being black. To all of my white friends and friends of other ethnicities, I know you may not get this or understand right now, but I ask that you keep reading as I want to help you see it through my eyes and I don’t want you think this is just another post about black people and the race card. This is real life for me. This is my life. I come from an oppressed group of people, where history shows even if you qualify, even if all the boxes are checked, and all the funds are there, someone…ANYONE…who doesn’t view you as worthy can make that call and all that you hope and dream for can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Everything you thought was real was only a façade of what you’d hoped it could be. That is fact. That is written in the history books and that is the cold hard truth of where my fear and anxiety stemmed from. To be completely transparent with you I had to ask myself several times what I was feeling and why I was feeling it; it took me a while to get to the root of my issues and deal with it accordingly.  For you buying a house may be something you feel like is your choice, it’s normal, everyone does it, and you have no fear of taking those steps and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  For me, every single step of the way I had this same fear that someone would see my name or face and think I wasn’t worthy of such an accomplishment which then made me question my own worthiness. Fear, anxiety, and Imposter syndrome caused me to not celebrate my accomplishments. 

There is so much more about this journey I could share but I decided to share this part first because I think it is so important that all of the people who look like me, who questions themselves every day, who struggle to believe and accept that they are worthy to know YOU ARE MORE THAN WORTHY! You can do and can be whatever you want. As long as you know your worth and keep pushing forward when you get knocked down you can get back up. So save for the house, buy the luxury car, invest your money, apply for that job, do all the things you’ve feared for so long and thought were out of your league! Sweetie, YOU ARE THE LEAGUE!

For all of the people who I love so dearly and look completely different from me. You are worthy too! The same above message applies to you! You are worthy and you too are the league. Together WE ARE THE LEAGUE. 

So friends, I would like to challenge you to take more steps towards understanding your friends and their stories and hearing their experiences. No, you may not be able to fix it and you may not understand completely, but the fact that you are willing to try means the world. It literally means CHANGING THE WORLD! When we band together we can eliminate hate, fear, oppression, and so many other negative things that plague our world today. Let’s do it together.

P.S. The Fall in Love with Yourself Challenge that I have done this entire season along with my Start Today Challenge has been a tremendous help for me as far as staying focused and positive. For that I am thankful. It’s not too late to join in with me and finish the month strong. I appreciate you reading and being a follower. If you haven’t already subscribed to my monthly newsletter visit www.lhollinsspeaks.com, scroll to the bottom, and enter your email where it says subscribe.

Part 2 of this post will be posted later in the month. At that time I will talk about the increase in my depression and anxiety since the time we closed on November 22nd. I call it Post-house stress. Emanuel and I touch on it a little bit in the video that you can see here: https://www.facebook.com/LHollinsSpeaks/videos/2471075179827756/