Who's Fighting with You?

I started writing this post right after the New Year. I had something on my heart at the time and wanted to share. It’s funny how much you can learn in 5 weeks and not even realize it until you sit down to finish what you started. 

Have you ever continuously tried to make it work with someone until you finally give up? You give up on trying, you give up on feeling exhausted, you give up on feeling unheard, you give up on trying to make it work, you give up on the person ever being what you need them to be? Trust me, I’ve been there, done that, and drank the kool-aid. There are some things that just aren’t meant to be and you have every right to walk away from toxicity and unhappiness. Once you have done all you can do and given all you can give the ball is not in your court anymore. The decision to do better and be better is no longer yours to make. Choosing to no longer beg for someone’s love, time, and attention is not truly giving up but protecting your well-being instead. Love, time, attention these are things that are given freely. So, sometimes people just aren’t meant to move through life with you whether they are family or not. Usually, we are the ones that find this hard to do and hard to accept.

Yes, I said it... whether they are FAMILY or NOT. I am gonna branch off a little and go down a rabbit trail here because I feel this is an equally important lesson for my readers.

 Here are the FACTS! We are SO bad about convincing ourselves and telling others that family will always be family, why we need to continuously forgive them, and yada yada yada…in some ways that's true but in other ways its unhealthy and a set-up for staying in poisonous relationships. I do believe forgiveness is 100% for YOU and that is a necessity but NO, you don't have to continue to subject yourself to any mistreatment and the draining energy of other people.  Do we really want to teach our children that no matter how a person treats you if they are family then you have to accept it because they are family? I don’t know about you but this is NOT a lesson I want to teach my future children. I want my children and the people around me to know you don’t have to accept the constant mistreatment and belittling of anyone and if you walk away you will be JUST FINE! Surround yourself with people who love and uplift you. People who encourage you and want to be around you. That’s what’s important when deciding how and who to fill that very important space with. Listen, we will always love these people and we will be there for them if they need us in a crisis but the constant struggle is insanity. Doing the same thing with them time and time again is complete insanity and at what point do we say no more? At what point do we say this is not a problem for me to fix it's a SELF problem that they have to fix. Don't ever feel bad for choosing yourself.

Now, back to my regular scheduled programming. lol I recently ran into an issue in which I'd explained over and over to Emanuel how I felt and what I needed but based on actions shown I still felt unheard. Now, it’s not an issue worth walking away from but it is an issue that bothered me and was worth speaking up about. Please understand that when you don't speak up about things that bother you your anger and frustration can quickly turn into resentment. We have to know the difference between walk away issues and issues where we have to stand up for ourselves and set clear boundaries. Once you have done all that you can do then you re-evaluate the progress made. 

When I feel ignored, unheard, or misunderstood it truly hurts me to my core. Emanuel's comfort zone is making things a joke or laughing during very serious times and conversations. For me that is BEYOND annoying and I see it as disrespectful...my head could literally spin around on my shoulders like the exorcist when he does this. Lol But I would have never known this was a coping mechanism for him if I hadn't spoken up about it years ago and he would  have never known how I was perceiving his response had we not discussed it. Once I was able to clearly verbalize and express my feelings my husband realized how much I was hurting and it immediately clicked for him. He cared enough to make changes to his behavior which is something I could never do FOR him. People this is what love and communication looks like. This is what fighting together for a common cause looks like. 

But...I also get it. I get that it’s  hard to love someone so much yet feel like they don’t understand you and aren’t making any efforts to try. We realize that things change, people change, situations change…life in general changes. We grow up. The question is are we growing together or are we growing apart. Are we working TOGETHER to make this work? Have I checked my OWN biases and negative attitude at the door? Can I honestly say I have given this 100% of my efforts. The reality is you can’t be the only one fighting to make it work. 

So ask yourself, Who's fighting with me? Am I in this alone and praying things change? Have I spoken up about how I TRULY feel and what I need in order for things work? Have I given them a fair chance to make changes? Am I constantly fighting for something or someone who has already checked out? 

Sis/Bro...Are they fighting with you? 

XOXO 

Lashonda Hollins

L.Hollins S.P.E.A.K.S