TRAIL OF TEARS...FINDING THE SPACE TO FORGIVE

Oh, Hey Y’all!!! It’s been a while hasn’t it? Lol If you been listening to my podcasts you’ve been keeping up with all that I’ve had going on. The last one talks a little about why I have this need to come back to where it all began. Blogging. My Foundation. The thing, along with yoga, that helped me through some of the hardest times in my life.

It’s early where I am. 7AM. Lately I’ve been having more moments where I have something to say before my feet even hit the floor. My brain wakes up so full, sometimes my heart is so heavy, and I just need to get it out. When this happens I either grab a pen and paper and prepare to grab a mic or I put it on paper to blog…some I never share at all. Today I wanted to share. 

This week, last Sunday actually, I completed my journal goals for the week. I wanted to get back to yoga, continue to save and spend less, and the last one threw even me…I jotted in without thinking FORGIVE. Clearly something has been eating me and I haven’t truly dealt with it or fully forgiven for it. I had to think about what I meant and who or what I needed to forgive in order to move forward. After some soul searching I knew what I needed to do. I haven’t done it but I KNOW what it is. 

Over the years I’ve learned it’s hard to hurt my feelings. Only a few people REALLY have the power to hurt me to a place that touches my inner core. The old saying hurt people hurt people is very true. But, it doesn’t have to be deep. It doesn’t have to be related to childhood trauma or something deeply rooted. It can be a misunderstanding that hurts your feelings and escalates quickly. Once you’re hurt the damage is done and you respond accordingly. Is it right? Absolutely not. Does it happen? Abso-freaking-lutely. It doesn’t help that people don’t pick up the phone much anymore either. So much of the message is lost in translation when texting. 

For me the hardest hurt comes from the people I love. I can deal with hurt from associates, hurt from strangers, hurt from people who don’t truly know me as a person, but hurt from MY PEOPLE, MY CORE, it just hits different. I take it personally. And as I said earlier when we are hurt we respond accordingly. For me, if the hurt is deep enough I respond from a hurt place. Things I’ve been passive about or let go over and over it all comes rushing out. That’s not fair either. What I’m saying may be true but it’s coming from a place of hurt and it ‘s something I should’ve already discussed in previous conversations. I shouldn’t be passive about the little things that bother me because when the time comes they become big things. And it all comes out in a way that’s not fair to the other person. It’s like your supervisor coming to you during your yearly evaluation and rating you poorly for all the little things you did wrong throughout the year but they’ve never pulled you aside to correct the issue and given you an opportunity to make the necessary changes. 

Sometimes hurt is addressed right away and sometimes it is not. The longer it goes the more time and space gets between you and your loved one. I’ve gone at least 6 months without talking to someone I love over a misunderstanding. It wasn’t until we both stopped being bullheaded and stubborn that we addressed the hurt and pain we caused each other that we truly moved forward. 

Some of you are like me. You’ve been passive. You have something you need to say and haven’t said it. Or you’re being stubborn and bullheaded and still don’t think you had any part of the disconnect. Some of you are hurt and you’re operating from a place of hurt which is potentially leaving a trail of tears and other hurt people behind you. Stop it right now and try to fix it. Face the problems and find the space to forgive. All we can do is find our fault, try to repair it, and Forgive. 

xoxo

L. Hollins